She lives

As I like to say, rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated--thank you Mr. Twain. I just got off a long phone call with my primary care. I've had 5 months of hell that I will not even try to document right now. Trust me, hideous. Meanwhile, believe it or not, my thyroid has gone for a dive (my THS is up, in other words). This when I just got off the two nasty nasty meds I was taking for psychological troubles, that I and a few other people aren't sure I really had/have. But I am still taking stuff, to be careful. And because saying, "I'm not crazy," is the first thing any crazy person says. Wait. I may rant about the $1300 bill I had to pay because albuterol gives me such insomnia that I become delusional..nuff said for now.

I've gotten a little hung up on invalid equals invalid. I would love to be validated. Guess I need to go to the flash cinema in Hillcrest.

I can't change the blog name without starting it over as a new blog. Just add an "s" at the end. I went back to work half time after four months on disability. To the many, very nice, curious people, I have said "multiple medical issues". That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

More wrangling over prior authorizations for meds this week. Boring. Waste my time--you're welcome! Next it's a PET scan Wednesday, then I expect another appointment with the surgeon. Then scheduling the next surgery. More boring, in a completely scary way.

I'm not saying this in the spirit of "poor me". I just need to let it out a bit. I may be blogging here a bit more frequently, as venting does help. And she does live.

Your milage may very

I have not abandoned this blog. At least not permanently. I did hit a slough of despond there for a while. All I wanted to do was sleep or read. I felt like I didn't have anything to say to anyone, in conversation or in writing...

I've stayed on the antidepressant, even though it seems to have made things worse rather than better. Hubba Hubba told me 12/26, when he increased the dosage to 30 mgs that I should feel better in about 10 days. I didn't. But I persevered. For my birthday, Matt gave me a stationary bicycle. Then we looked at the set up instructions. They were way past our level. So, on New Year's Eve Day, we had our friend Joe come over and he and Matt put it together. Yeah! I can now bike to nowhere in the comfort of my own bedroom.

I started riding 5 minutes a day, and have increased to 11 at this point. Doesn't seem like much, but I think if I can get it up to 20 min. a day, it should make a difference at least in my cardio health. Plus, when I went to the primary care on Tues., my blood pressure was 125/84. Golden numbers for me.

The visit with the primary care was just routine follow up. However, I have had a new wrinkle crop up. I have three dime-sized lumps on my scalp. I thought they were a zit at first, or a new mole. But they didn't pop. They did itch, and I had great difficulty not scratching. And they had begun to hurt. So it was time someone looked at them. Madam Milktoast said they were an infection, and prescribed an antibiotic and a steroid liquid topical thing, Fluocinonide. Another lecture on the dangers of skin infections. I had to ask, since this is the third one in less than a year, is it due to the Copaxone. I should discuss that with my neurologist. I should call this number in 5 days for a dermatology consult. The word biopsy was uttered. I immediately flashed on the skin biopsies I had 2 years ago that didn't heal properly. I think the under bra side one never will at this point, but it is mostly a souvenir.

OK, fill prescriptions, etc. In 3 days, the lumps no longer hurt, but they haven't gotten much smaller. Oh well. Then yesterday, I get a call from Shiela, Milktoast's nurse. They got back my labs. My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was a 0.06 on Tues. Normal range is .5-5.5? I am seriously low. Gee, maybe that's why I've been so tired and down! Hyperthyroidism. I'm sad to say, no weight loss. Change dosage of thyroid hormone and dance.

I am wondering why, if I went eight years, 1997-2005 without a change in my thyroid levels, why is this the third change in 1.5 years? Once again, is it the disease or the treatment?

what is and isn't wrong

OK, I've been feeling like I don't have much to say. This applies across the board--conversation, blogs, twitter. There's been a lot of nothing. I've been wondering if this is the "flat" feeling that my brother told me he had on Paxil. No highs, no lows. Though it feels kid of low. Hubba Hubba upped my Lexapro dose to 30 mgs last week, and told me it wouldn't take effect for about 10 days. It has been seven. I wonder what happens if that doesn't work. Try another medication? Have to titer down off this one first? Just guessing. Then I wonder, maybe I'm not depressed? I always think back to the period at the end of my marriage. I really did feel like a black cloud above my head followed me around. At times, the black cloud came down and closed me off from everything. That was my definition of being depressed.

Crochet is going ok. I have now mastered the half double crochet stitch. Not that I know what I am going to do with it. Soon, I will look at baby blanket patterns, so I can crochet something for Kelly's baby by April. The crochet is calming. I wish I could do it all day.

The Lexapro does seem to be causing some bruising. Not like Coumadin, but almost every injection leaves a small bruise now. I am still religious about rotating the sites. I really don't want to damage the tissue.

I also have some strange bumps on my scalp. They started with one bump around Thanksgiving. Now there are two large bumps and some smaller ones. They are not painful, but itchy. I will have to show them to my primary care at my appointment next week.

unimpressive antidepressant

I've been taking Lexipro for over three weeks now, and the results have not been spectacular. I have also caught yet another cold, and been trying to sandwich Christmas preparations into the day as well, like the rest of North America. I am actually in pretty good shape on that front, though I haven't decorated the house much.

So, mainly the Lexapro seems to make me feel flat. I don't much want to do anything. I haven't felt like I have anything to say. That includes conversation and writing. Since I usually run off at the mouth without applying the breaks, this is pretty unusual for me. I've pretty much had to force myself to do things.

I've also had a huge increase in flatulence, which is pretty embarrassing in a public service job. There's also been weight gain, and I haven't been doing my physical therapy exercises. I just stopped at some point because they didn't seem to be helping. Now I feel like some kind of slug. I am going to try to buck up and do more. If nothing else, I need to firm up, or buy a new wardrobe. Of course, shopping is another activity that is very difficult.

I see the psychiatrist tomorrow night. When I saw him three weeks ago, he thought I would be feeling much better by now. He said if I wasn't, he would increase the dose. What a great way to spend my four-day mini-vacation! OK, I've vented a bit.

long time no type

Been busy. Three doctors and a therapist appointment last week. Overdoing it, besides. I have been sleeping better. I had a weird earlobe explosion. I am contemplating giving up pierced ears. I just don't need something that gets infected. Even little infections can have serious effects on me. I am continuing to view every medical eventwith great caution. It may seem silly to some, or hypochondrical, but I am the person in charge of this vessel. Staying afloat is a major goal.

I received a wheel chair yesterday. It's a loaner, but the company doing the rental told me I can keep it as long as I need. Of course, it's like another piece of furniture in the house. It is currently parked by the bicycle. It is a lightweight, folding model. However, it is too large for my trunk, even if I cleared out the stuff. It just made it into the back seat, with the foot holders off. Besides my general ambivalence, I'm not sure where/how to keep it. I don't like driving with it in the back seat. It obscures the rearview mirror, and shifts around a bit on corners. Maybe a bike rack would work?

I also really wish it had arrived on Friday, as planned. The rain screwed up their deliveries. I didn't go to the OB parade...too much walking...sad to have missed it.

Saved by the script doctor (non-union)

To get out of the emergency room last Sat. (I may fill you in on it more later) I had to promise to take Zyprexa until I could see my primary care or neurologist. Then I went home and took one and my gross motor skills went south. I was none too happy, but since I slept 11 hours straight I decided to stick with it.

I have been taking it religiously, but not feeling much better. Unfortunately, I only had a few left from the spring--not even enough to last until my p.c. visit next Monday...

First, I called my neurostar's office and left a voice message. I did not hear back from them. The neuro-resident in the ER had told me she wasn't available then either. So I'm thinking she's in France, like in April, skiing Gstaad or something. I know she works hard, but why do I have crises when she's out of town? But, I digress.

Neuro's office called the next day to tell me to go through either the neuro clinic at the hospital or my primary care. So, next, I called primary care and talked to a nurse. The nurse felt I should go through the neuro resident that first prescribed Zyprexa, wherever he may be.

Then I remembered the trick-cyclist I saw last spring after my delusional episode, Dr. Full of Himself. He's an M.D. psychiatrist with another degree or two in pharmacology. Actually, I generally refer to him a "Hubba Hubba." So I called his office. I have the habit of putting business cards in my billfold. Once again, that came in handy. Himself could not reorder without seeing me again. Hubba had openings that afternoon (yesterday) or today. I conferred with the Boyfriend, and today at 1:30 worked best with his schedule. Truly a rotten way to spend vacation hours. Will have to try to make it up somehow.

Hubba asked me the usual 20 questions about where and how I was and when. He decided I have been mildly depressed for a few months. I should discontinue Zyprexa--wrong drug. I strongly felt that was worth the co-pay. I asked about Paxil. He said he didn't recommend it because a primary side effect is weight gain. (I didn't realize he was calling me fat until I got home. It's true. Am a pudge. Blaming lack of exercise plus strong desire for chocolates.) Anyway, he is putting me on Lexapro aka Escitalopram. Here's what Medline says are the side effects:

* nausea
* diarrhea
* constipation
* changes in sex drive or ability
* drowsiness
* increased sweating
* dizziness
* heartburn
* stomach pain
* excessive tiredness
* dry mouth
* increased appetite
* flu-like symptoms
* runny nose
* sneezing

Since I had vast bouts of nausea on Sat., I really hope I skip that one! I'll keep you posted--I'm hoping as a happier camper.

N.B. Isn't that a wonderful image? My friend Jenne just found it when looking for an avatar--somehow it's related to a librarian in Russia? Anyway, I love it.

The best there never was

Jesus Louis. I am out of my mind sometimes! (Enough with the exclamation points,) even if they do add to my girlish charms. The Offspring thinks I chat like a twelve year old. She doesn't understand what an accomplishment that is for someone just shy of half a century! Eek. That one just escaped. In any case, I came up with several interesting and/or funny things to say this morning. But I need to change blogs first. Just give me a minute. You may talk among your selves.

First: song lyrics are just song lyrics. Some song lyrics have deep meaning. Others not so deep; they are just lyrics. Kind of like great poetry vs. good poetry vs. doggerel. (Pause to reassure Spot he isn't doggerel.) (Another pause for a cleansing breath.)

Second: Saying I am not the Annoyed Librarian doesn't mean I am not depressed. I am depressed. Enough with the happy chatter.

Third: If you want to feel good about yourself, check out the online support groups>